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Sunday, November 4, 2007

MY FUGLY SELF

aargh...i cant help it but see that fugly fat gal in d pics...and wen i say fat..i mean fat...i look almoz like twice of each single person in d group pics...and itz a depressing sight to see...it doesnt help wen some of the girls in the pic say that they are fat...it makes me more depressed abt my own size...i mean obviously they are much more slimmer than me and yet they say they r fat and ugly...den wats more w me??who is in fact fat and twice their size...and should i mention not pretty compared to dem...

im not blaming dem dat they feel that way...girls r girls after all...but sometimes i juz hope dat wen dey say such things itz not in d presence of me...coz yes..aku terase pedasnye...it does not help dat i'd always been and still be the onli big girl in d class ever since i start schling...all of 15 yrs of my sch life...wen i see the rez are so easy to find the clothes that they want...i end up struggling to find the right size for me...that at last i end up dressing like a guy coz itz much more easier to find my size in the guys department than the girls department...

ppl will wonder why cant i juz slim down,exercise all doz stuffs,since i know that im fat...the reason is i wana know if there's anyone out there who will be frens w me even wen im fat...to accept me and to like me as who i am..a fren who will back me up wen other ppl keep teasing me fat...and i do want to know if the phrase 'the looks,the size doesnt matter but the heart is' wen it comes to bgr relationship...i had always said to myself..the moment that i find a guy who like me now...wen im this size without ever trying to hint to me or looking down on me bcoz im fat,i will promise myself that i will do my bez to slim down after im 'attached' to that guy...but of coz that guy have to be behind me,supporting me all d way...coz i know i cant do it alone...i need encouragement...

sometimes i wish that im like my sis who seems to have all d confidence in the world...even though she's not that slim as other woman,she's juz so comfortable in her own skin...something that onli sometimes i feel that way...where at moment...im actually comfortable in being big coz im more to the big n tall category instead of short and plump category...i feel grateful of my height..hehe..but of course the way the world see it and the way guys see it...slim=beautiful while fat=ugly...no guys will like to have a fat gf if possible...coz they might be ashamed to be seen outside w a fat gal den w a slim gal...

which reminds me of a guy who look down on me bcoz im fat...he keep saying why cant i have the initiative to be slim,and once at the bus stop he did not even tegur me coz he said i wont like it if he was to kutuk me,f*** him...and to think that he oso used to be fat and yet he couldnt understand the feeling of a fat person...itz so disappointing and makes me hate him...though the truth is in a way i DID like him before but not anymore...it was hurtful for me that wen i ask him out he will decline but wen his ex ask him out,who was my godsis(of coz she is slimmer and she have that kacukan blood in her,malay plus eurasian),he will accept...even my other guy frens..they are all d same...that at one point of time...i thought that i will never have a guyfren anymore so that they wont be able to hurt my feelings like how he did...

i also realise how guys don disturb me,coz im big and they are afraid that i myt whack them up,and how dey like to tease girls who are slimmer...of coz i do not want to be the butt of a joke...but yeah sometimes it juz feel weird wen other girls are being disturb while im not..itz like as if im a very3 sensitive fat person who cant have fun and be teased occassionally that is why they seldom disturb me...and i also realised how guys who was being teased by others w me...i mean teased as in 'being a couple w me' end up avoiding me somehow,like putting the blame on me that they got teased w me and things juz go wrong after that...thats more worst lah...coz these type of guys actualli make me feel more hina as in tk layak to be anyone's gf...and as if i really want to be their gf and as if itz me who had started that joke on dem wen actualli itz the rez who started it...haha..dream on..guys like these,all i can say is,jgn sampai si cantik jelita yg kau sukekan tu yg akan menghancurkan hati korg...coz what goes around comes around...haha...

so until den...i have to stop taking pictures of myself...my FUGLY self...so that i wont see it,n i wont get depressed...and hope that i will find HIM soon...after which i will lose weight and be a prettier me...inside out..but more of outside...cos the inside is another matter totally...oh..and ppl...if possible..pls DO NOT take pictures of FUGLY me...especially CANDID pictures of FUGLY me...unless u all want me to feel more depressed than ever...and for those slim girls who think/feel that they r FAT...look at me and pls realise that u r not..and stop whining and complaining u r fat especially in d presence of me...unless u all juz want to make me feel terase and hurt...thank you for ur co-operation..i don hate u all...

itz NOT i love u all...but itz i dont hate u all...

Fugly & Fat Moi..

.:WaNiZ:.

posted at 11/04/2007 07:22:00 PM