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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

For The Umpteenth Time...

As im writing this..all i felt is a tinge of sadness...it amazed me how i can be so hyper moments before this,joking in msn w azu n yasa but after a few minutes..here i am feeling down and sad and lonely after reading some of my mates blogs...their stories...and seeing my desktop background pic of almoz all d Pusaka Seni peeps smiling in a crowded room...it makes me think...

why m i having the thoughts to leave them...why???i realli need to know the main reason behind it..izzit bcoz of me feeling not a part of dem like wat ive always told in my previous blogs..or is there juz something else buried deep inside me that makes me feel this way....but if it is something else...wat is it truly???coz seriously i dont know myself...

there will be times wen i think again and i figured that mayb, juz mayb i will and can be happy w dem..as one big family...but den dere will be also times wen i juz don feel it...izzit bcoz of my paz??that im getting too paranoid now...the paranoia in me that no one likes me...i guess i should forget abt the paz and focus on the present but den at times i cant help but reminisce the past...and see myself once again as a loner...here in NYP,in EI0708,in MCG,in Pusaka Seni...ive always thought that i can get over my paz...yet now i realized i have not...im still being gloom by my paz...by my dark past...

At times,i will be seating alone observing ppl ard me...seeing dem smile...happy...i knew that behind doz smiles dey too have their own problems..life is a masquerade...but den wen i see dem,i see dem being in a circle of frens who care for dem...and den i will look ard me and see doz familiar faces ard me...dey do make me laugh and smile...but everytime wen i think that they could be doz that i can called as my frens...i start to think twice...mayb juz mayb they talk to me for the sake of talking...they don realli regard me as anyone important in their life..juz someone who happen to be in their life...someone whom they felt pity for,which is why they talk to me...when these thoughts came to me...dats wen i thought that they are juz my mates after all...nothing more than that..though deep in my heart,i have this great feeling to call dem as my frens...but somehow itz juz soo hard....im so used to think that im friendless...that until now no one had managed to break thru this great wall that i have build around me...this wall that hinder me frm regarding and seeing someone as a fren instead of juz a clazmate..a cca mate...or a sch mate...

sometimes i asked to myself if they were juz my mates,why m i telling my secrets to them...and den i will also wonder why m i telling dem abt me wen at times i dont even know abt dem..who they realli are...and whether they realli wana know abt me...i wonder if im the one who is forcing dem to listen to me wen the actual fact is they don wana noe at all...

i cant continue this post any longer...tears have start to trickle down....im feeling hurt somehow and i dont like it...let me cry for now...to sleep...for the umpteenth time ever since the moment that i felt that im frenless for the paz 14 years of my life...

...Frenless Soul...

.:WaNiZ:.

posted at 11/13/2007 02:19:00 AM