[the rose fairy][roses are red and so is blood] :)

<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/2446063017632835228?origin\x3dhttp://the-masquerade-of-reality.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>

* Welcome *

To Moi Bloggie :)
This Blog Is Best Viewed Using Mozilla Firefox

- click the words for navigation -

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Question (Part 1) - be warned!! its a long entry..

okays so itz going to be 4am soon..n yet im not asleep yet...juz finish seeing photos from EC's website...seeing doz photos of MCG ppl...it makes me think to write this post....i have been thinking about this since d 3rd August...actualli before d date too...the question that is racing thru my mind...the question that i keep asking myself over n over again...."To Quit Or Not To Quit???"

i still havent found the answer and im realli unsure abt it...should i or not make dis decision to quit PS???arrggghhh....on one hand...drama is my passion...i like to act since pri sch...but on d other hand i juz cant deny the feeling that its useless to stay wen im not feeling as happy as d rez....sometimes i wonder wat is wrong w me...why do i feel numb or null inside wen all i read frm d rez's blog is they love PS/MCG...

love...i guess that word is too strong for me...i do like dem..mayb not all,but surely moz of dem..dey r a great bunch of ppl,each has their own uniqueness and characteristics...but yet all i feel wen im w dem is emptiness...i laugh,i smile,i go along w dem....however,i know dat all there is,is juz the body that is w dem....not the heart nor the soul...it hurts..i hate that feeling...i seriously do...no one like to feel awkward,out of place or strange in a group...still that is exactly wat i felt...

why???why should i be d onli one who felt like that???wat is the bloody hell wrong w me???why cant i juz accept dem like how d rez do??sometimes i felt guilty...guilty that im d onli one who is having all diz feeling wen d rez r okay...there r others who before production do have d thoughts to quit,but after 3rd august..their mindset change...and they all found d 'love' for PS n MCG....but me???where is the 'love' WaNiZ??!!or am i juz a person w no feelings??

group outings...have been joining dem a few times but like i mention...itz juz that..'outings'...not a moment to feel bond w d rez...i do feel like a hypocrite..a double faced liar....the masquerade that i hold onto during the outings hiding the reality of what i felt deep inside...the masquerade of a smile,a laughter...are doz smile genuine??and what about doz laughters???maybe it is..i dont deny,some part it was fun,i guess i quite enjoy it...but itz onli for awhile,doesnt laz an eternity...coz if d rez feel more bonded after each outing...well..i onli felt the opposite...i think after each outing,it makes me feel more like a stranger...worst...i couldnt help feeling like an 'outcast' though i dont think thats how they treat me...

i guess i was right...wen i mention insecurity as my weakness wen fadhil asked the question "what is ur weakness" to everyone in d PS...my other weakness is having that low self-esteem of myself....although another part of me says that im as good as dem,but that negative part of me always have the higher hold of my thinking wen im in training....its weird...wen im in class...moz of d time,im positive that i can do as well as my clazmate...i dont care wat my clazmate wana talk abt me,i live my own life,n i told myself that I ROCK!!....but the moment i step into drama training..all that positive level dropped...i felt like im being scrutinized in a way...and that if i did or said anything wrong,ppl would laugh at me...i would start to imagine that each and every of dem will encircle me and start laughing their heads off at me in a sarcastic way...and that thought makes me scared...thats wen i always keep my mouth shut in PS...my real identity somehow goes into hiding...

i guess i will stop and continue next time...now itz already 5 am...n i think that this post is already long enuf for now...still thinking abt that qn....should i??

.:_WaNiZ_:.

posted at 8/28/2007 03:52:00 AM